Dedicated to a friend in need

I suppose at times we all go through different kinds of mindsets.

I suppose that at this age, well, my age at least, many of us go through phases of different kinds of thoughts and emotions and actions. I sure know that I’ve been through one such upheaval recently. It moulded me into a different person, moulded me into who I am right now.

A few months back, or maybe even years back, I wouldn’t have enjoyed classical music. I would have tried to enjoy it, or pretend that I liked it just to impress my crush who was musically inclined. It wouldn’t have been me. I would, well, have been trying too hard.

Yet somehow my life has changed such that I am no longer a loner, a young plump girl who had no one except fairy tales and fantasies to turn to. No longer a girl with a distrust for anything that didn’t fit in with my world.

I grew up and have had the experience of leading, a memory that I will always cherish. The satisfaction I had gotten from having had a job well done, a task fulfilled, something productive to be done always, a camaraderie that had grown from long treks in the forest and having shared the same tent. I really do miss them, my councillor family. I really do miss them so much, thinking about it now.

And then I suppose there were my friends from my class. The bond that had grown from having shared 4 years together, eating together during recess, sitting in the class chatting while waiting for the next lesson, moaning about horrible science practicals we had to stay back for, and laughing at silly jokes made about g-strings and sex.

Despite all our internal politics, despite our silly arguments about things that had seemed so important at that time, despite all our fights, we were still a family. A class family of people who had bonded together, thrown together by the Fates (or really rather, our PSLE aggregates but still…) and became a family.

A family is the only word I could have used to describe them. Both the councillors and my classmates.

Even my close group of friends. That’s what we are. A family.

We are all family, in the end. In the end, things will boil down to a single way of life. Either we stick together or we don’t. If we do, we are a family and families stick up for one another because that’s what families do. If we don’t, then maybe we just didn’t love or care for one another enough.

I have no idea why I ended up talking about families. But that’s what I ended up saying. And well, families are important.

S, I know sometimes you talk about your family. I know sometimes your family lets you down. And I know sometimes you fight with them. But that’s what real families do. (I sure as hell know I argue with my parents and my siblings about the most inane, stupidest kind of things ever.) Not on purpose, though, but as human beings, we all act on our own impulses that gratifies our own needs.

After all, we are selfish. It takes a lot to be selfless, and think of others first.

But real families forgive one another. They get angry or upset or emotional, but in the end, should things happen, they’ll stick around. They’ll care for you, comfort you with the strangest actions or words or just be around. If they’re anything like me, they’ll just be around. I (they) wouldn’t know how to comfort, but they hope that by being around, you’d know they care. If they’re touchy huggy feely people, they’ll hold you. Hug you. Wipe your tears.

Your family will always love you, because they are your family. Just like I know mine will. Because they are my family. And you are part of my family now too. I will be there for you too.

You can go through as much weird phases as you like. Purity is in the heart. The intent. It’s not in the body, not in the soul. (If we’re that pure in the body or soul, how can we allow horrible things like child abuse, or MAID abuse, or whatever not and bad stuff to happen when we can stop it?)

Believe in love. I believe in it. I love you, like you love me. We’re sisters forever. Sisters of the heart. You can wear a purity ring if you want to. Because I know that there’s a part of you, in your heart, that’s pure, and innocent when it comes to love. Waiting, and longing, and hoping, and loving the one who will show up one day when the time is right.

Change is the only thing that’s constant. I know that, you know that. But it takes a lot for it to sink in. It takes a lot to really understand it. Which brings me back to my memory lane topic.

Life is always full of surprises, or disappointments. Live your life the way you want it to be. Don’t live it with pain and regrets and sadness. Don’t live it and look back at this period with sadness. Life is meant to be happy. When things are down, and it seems like there’s no way out, believe that things will get better. Without pain there is no happiness. Without sadness there is no happiness.

Look forward and believe. Believe in yourself. You are a strong girl, a stronger person than you’ll ever realise. You have made it through so much. This year will be our coming of age. A time when you’ll come into who you are. You may not find the meaning in your life, or the reason why you’re around. But believe. Believe in yourself. And love. Love yourself. And live. Live for yourself. Not for me, not for your family, not for your love or for all the yarn in the world. Live for yourself. Because this is your life.

So, my friend, remember that. Believe. Love. Live.

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Tomorrow’s my brother’s birthday, so today I went out with the intention to get a teddy bear for him. I wasn’t too sure what, but I thought it had to be below the $30 range. I wasn’t too rich, but I didn’t want to be too stingy; after all, it wasn’t like it was his birthday everyday. So I reached Dhoby Ghuat, bought some yarn that I’m supposed to photograph and enter into my stash in Ravelry, then had Steph mention to me about Build-a-Bear workshop.

Naturally, I was interested in seeing what it was, and when I realised what it was, I quickly got excited too. It was my first time buying a bear, I couldn’t remember buying one ever. (Then again my memory seems to be pretty short too :P) But first off, I had to choose a teddy bear skin!

After looking and looking and looking, I decided to be a little cheap and choose the most basic skin. It was pretty nice to touch, and it was a boyish looking bear, so it was all right I guess. Then later on, I went to the sound thingy, and was supposed to choose a sound. But it was $9 for a sound, and I thought that my brother wouldn’t really need it anyway, after all, if it had a sound he’ll be playing the damn thing the entire time, so I didn’t get one.

Then we moved to the stuffing table. There was this really really evil assistant who I swear, his entire existence was created to turn people into little kids. So he was like, “Okay, when I count to three, step on that pedal and I’ll stuff your teddy bear.” So I literally turned into a little kid. Then we had to put a heart in it. I had to rub it (to warm it and fill it with love) and then rub it on the bear’s heart, paws, nose, tummy, so that it’ll be alive, won’t run away, look cute, and be huggable respectively.

I also had to kiss the heart, and make a wish before putting it in. -.-

I was pretty embarrassed okay!

But it was fun. Eheh. X)

I had to choose clothes for it later on. I ended up choosing a polo tee only. Steph and the assistant dude kept talking about naked bears and choosing boxers which really made me blush and was really weird because it brought to mind an image. That I shall not think of or mention ever again.

But I saw a really really cute karate outfit! I wish I could go make another for myself. But I guess I’ll wait till my birthday and then make one!

Here’s Beary and my brother.

Happy birthday guys!

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I can’t believe I’m looking into horoscopes so much again.

Remember I had my first karate lesson yesterday? Here’s the horoscope email I got in my inbox.

General Daily Horoscope for everyone

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

There’s a change in the cosmic weather today as warrior Mars enters peaceful Libra where aggression can be tempered with a smile. We are reminded how deadly martial arts can be while appearing so graceful. Mars in the sign of the Scales until October 4 can force us to balance assertive and passive behavior for strategic purposes. Additionally, the Moon enters Mars’ sign of impulsive Aries at 10:09 am EDT to push our emotions closer to the surface.

It kind of made me go: (o.O)”

By the way, I need to get martial arts insurance too. (o.O)

Heh.

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Today I went running! I did 3.51km in 26 mins. Prolly doesn’t sound too impressive, but I think it’s great for a newbie like me! It was nice to be able to press the center button and hear how far I’d already run. I finished running perspiring like I’d just taken a shower. I told Steph that I should prolly knit a sweat band for my wrist so I mop all the sweat up.

It’s a bit ew-wy to have the sweat dripping into your eyes. Heh. Running… is gradually becoming part of my life. I guess that’s great, huh?

Hemlock Ring Blanket. I’m past the original doily pattern, and in the feather and fan lace pattern. I think it’s row 25 or 26 already. The number of stitches! The horror at trying to get past a row. Heh.. I think it takes about 10 minutes or so for one row. One row! The horror!

Haha. So that wasn’t really funny. Anyway, talk to you guys later!

—-

I just came back from my first karate class. It was fun!

I had to watch and learn, and although I can’t remember everything I’ve watched, I do remember some stuff I guess. It was really fun though! The people in the class were friendly and nice, although I suspect that they thought I was prolly a little too reserved as usual. I just couldn’t help it. I just couldn’t open my mouth to talk. I felt a little okay, well, I felt really shy.

Did I tell you about my super introversion-ess? I’m born in the year of the sheep, which to me, I interpret as a mild and docile kind of personality. But you know we have horns too, right? So don’t mess with us, or feel us butt into you! Now, the next sign, I’m a virgo. And virgos are a negative (introvert) sign. Double whammy! If I’m not wrong, the hermit is also my tarot card, and it is quite a secluded card. So…..

Has my life been decided by the heavens? (dramatic voice)

Hehe. But I dunno la. It works for me. I’m trying analysing a friend. Doesn’t work for him leh. Why so weird one?!

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Song of the Day:
Happy by Travis

I’m a little off beat today.

I’ll get a little too happy, and then I’ll be all tired. Heh.

Guess what I did today? I bought a new pair of running shoes, and you know Nike and Apple has this thingy called the Nike+iPod thing? Yup, I got that too. So it can keep track of my running and stuff, besides playing really nice songs that I have in my playlist too.

I think the song Happy by Travis is really cute. It’s like this offbeat unexpected kind of song that makes you go a little like “hmm hmm ha ha ha” kind of mood. I think I’ll put it as my powerup song when I start feeling sluggish in my running.

Hm, I went to eat Subway again today! I really really like Subway now. It’s like I’ve been introduced into this whole other world of food. The first time I ate (did I mention it? #checks# nope I haven’t) Subway was a pretty hilarious experience. Heh. Maybe I’ll try my hand at drawing, I think it’ll be quite a cute comic to laugh at.

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I know I’m in big trouble. Or at least it will soon become one.

Well, you see, the thing is that.. well, I don’t reaally know what I think. I’m abit afraid to find out what I feel. Which is why it is always so much easier to ignore what I’m feeling. When you think hard enough about what’s going on, well, you come to terms with things that.. may be better to ignore.

I don’t know why but it’s starting again. The confused feelings and the strange thoughts that pop up in my head. I would be doing something, and then thinking about something, when a thought would pop up literally and say stuff. The unconscious is usually the truth, and this truth usually is something like, “Well, I’ve fallen in love with.. wait. Did I just say I’ve fallen in love?!” And then I’ll go on to deny and argue about love and falling and what not.

Or I would be bored with my work, a little, and then I would think of, well, strange stuff well okay well you know, and then I’ll suddenly jolt to my senses and I’ll go like, “WHAT? Did I just… grin at the thought of…. omg.” and then I’ll be all goggled eyed.

I don’t know what to think, and I don’t really want to think. I’m afraid that I’ll end up hurting myself in the end, you know, a stupid one-sided kind of thing, so I’m not thinking. Or feeling.

In any case I’m going to sleep. Tomorrow I’m going running again! I’m getting the habit back again, yay me!

Oh, and did I mention I’m about 65% done on my Hemlock Ring Blanket? Steady pace so far, I’m loving it!

PS: I saw this and fell in love with it. Gorgeous necklace. I want it!

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Whew. I’m finally sitting down. I’ve never been so happy in my life to see a chair. Or a place where I could sit uninterrupted. Heh.

Well, in case you’re wondering, well, I started work today. It was quite a day, literally. I learned lots of stuff that I never knew about. Like, tags and pricing and stuff. Heh. And the staff there were really friendly, and I felt comfortable asking them about stuff that I wasn’t sure. Like, where does this go? How do I do this?

Unsurprisingly of course was the sheer number of people whom I knew passing by Popular. It was pretty strange seeing them, but I got over that quickly. The first few people who came into Popular were Steph and SK. I was working, and then suddenly, PoP! They grinned at me and then left after I gave a few um, curt replies. (Note at this point in time I was still coping with the amount of info loaded into my brain and having seen some CHR students who, thankfully or maybe not, don’t recognise me.)

Just a random thought. My job is great so far. It doesn’t require too much concentration or capability and while working I can sort of daydream while tagging items. Repetitive happy work. Like knitting. Back to the story.

Then later on I met them for dinner. By now I was getting used to the Popular staff role and the friend role. We happily chatted and then I returned. I quickly got back into the “submissive” (yes, Stephanie, submissive; and that term popped up while I was thinking about the day) mood that gives great customer service (or so).

Suddenly, while waiting at the counter with some stuff, a teenage guy tapped at my shoulder (I tried using the term boy, but it doesn’t work and neither does young man or male teen -.-) and said that his friend wanted my number. I was quite in the happy serving mood, so I didn’t really register the words in my mind, and then I happily turned around and saw Sho. o.O”

I was getting quite the shock of the day and that damned prat laughed at my stunned expression. Meanwhile my brain was like, huh?! Why is he here? How did he know, oh wait I told him. Look at him, he’s laughing, right? -.=” Grrrrr….

Grrrr. He was having fun at my expense. The urge to want to throttle him is astoundingly quite strong. It is quite funny when you think about it, though, says one part of my brain.. But the other says, Still! grrrrr…

Oh, and prat is a great term. I checked the dictionary, and guess what? It is the informal term for a person’s buttocks! Hahahaha! That’s funny, huh? I wonder what he’ll think of being called buttocks. HAHA

One back at cha!

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Song of the Day:
100 Years - Five for Fighting

Sometimes our emotions get the best of us. They rule our minds, they run amok with our hearts and stomp all over it, stabbing at it with spears of doubt and slash at it with the daggers of untruths. It’s not really their fault, I’d say, because I’d like to think that the reasons that pushed them to the edge are reasons like loneliness, suppression and the bite-my-lip-and-not-say-anything.

Then again, it may be hormones.

(more…)

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Song of the day:
Angels or Devils - Dishwalla

What an eventful week this one has been!

It’s been quite a happy National Day, the start of Olympics, and the start of Ravelympics, and a Speech Day! Fun and exciting these things may have been, it really uses up too much energy. All the excitement and energy, and oh yeah, did I mention I managed to get a job!

Plus, I’m going to join Karate at my Woodlands CC, and I think (and really hope) that it’ll be fun, ’cause Sho will be there too. Today we’ll be going to buy a gee, and signing up for the classes. Hmm… Nowadays I get a little nervous whenever I think of starting something new. I guess I’m really starting to analyse myself and try to figure out who I really am. A lot of most other times I’ll just drift through things, not really stopping to think or contemplate about things.

(more…)

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It’s been a few days or so since I had a… Crazy episode. Things have changed though, I’m not too sure what. But I’m feeling better, and not so crazy anymore. This is all thanks to the many people who’ve stood by me, or gave me words of encouragement (knowingly or unknowingly, sometimes gentle and sometimes scathing). To AJ, Nic, Nat, Sho, Steph (random order - alphabets) you guys did and said things that made sense in a world of nonsense. Thanks guys!

I’ll update more tomorrow. Don’t worry. I will get better, I promise.

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